Obviously I am very late to this thread, but did want to say I like that you posted it.  And I am mostly always speechless about Little Light’s amazingness. 

I was going to say “it’s so bizarre that people can care so much about one group’s humanity (self-identifying radical feminist for instance) and simultaneously be able to dismiss another’s.” But it’s more common than it is bizarre.  Racism of all intensities has had a foothold in mainstream white feminism for a long time.  But it also shouldn’t seem that bizarre to me when I think about my own relationship to transpeople.  I have always been comfortable, in fact aroused in many senses of the word, with FtM folks.  But it’s been because of superimposing my own feelings about what transgendered even is, or means.  In my head, it’s been like, that’s right all you motherfuckers who say people born with xx = certain essential things, none of which can equal someone with xy...now this person has BECOME a man and your whole theory is shot to shit.  Meanwhile, if I’m not mixing up what I read up there, being trans is something you are born being/feeling, it’s not a hopping of the fence from being one thing to being another - the experience is that of already being a man, and dealing with some superficial signifiers that don’t correctly represent that (transitioning). 

I am trying to get a grasp on why I have also almost always feared MtF transpeople.  I don’t think that my love for Little Light’s writing/heart int the world and lack of fear towards her makes me magically free of that prejudice I have always otherwise had.  I’m not okay with it, I identify it as similar to someone who has fear/hatred towards brown people for instance, but soothes their sense of good-person-ness by saying “hey, but this person over here is different (which proves I’m not racist, that I make exceptions).”

I should have put a long-winded warning at the start of this post.

Anyway, am puzzled by what I’m scared of.  Maybe it’s related to my up to now core belief that trans is something you do, not something you are?  I know that with MtF, I have occasionally had phantom voices in my head - “why would anyone want to become a woman with how hard/scary/injuring it is so much of the time?  What’s that about?  Is there some kind of sneaky infiltrating somethingness, some man invading womanness, as the final conquering of women in general?”

All of which irrational paranoia must be, I think, based on ideas I’ve taken in and accepted as gospel about sex, gender, identity, separation, and threat.  It repulses me that I have felt this way.  I hope it is not grotesque for me to talk about it.  I have commented elsewhere in threads about the whole women-born-women idea and spaces that exclude trans people, and I feel like it would be more treacherous to not admit that my comments have all come through this filter I’ve described.

And what you said, Nanette, in another thread here, about how it boils down to whether or not you believe transwomen are women or not, jolted me.  As did LL’s words on what the person who never answered her question believed about transpeople - which is to say, whether that person believed what transpeople have to say about their own experiences, versus believing transpeople are liars or delusional.  If there is another option, I don’t see it, and I would like to eliminate my own craziness around trusting what transwomen say. 

Thanks again for this post.

<small>Hi Joan, good to see you here! And yes, I am always in awe of little light’s amazingness too, lol. Did you read her recent piece on being a street medic? All this time I thought I knew what it was, but it turns out it is ever so much more. At least in her hands. And being long winded is never a worry. I tend to rattle on a bit myself, sometimes.

But man, what a comment! So much in it, and here’s me not being an expert at most of this at all.

I’ve been thinking about the fear, and what might be the source of it… I’ve not really come up with answers, but then fear is not always rational anyway.

Maybe it’s related to my up to now core belief that trans is something you do, not something you are?

[...]

All of which irrational paranoia must be, I think, based on ideas I’ve taken in and accepted as gospel about sex, gender, identity, separation, and threat.  It repulses me that I have felt this way.  I hope it is not grotesque for me to talk about it.  I have commented elsewhere in threads about the whole women-born-women idea and spaces that exclude trans people, and I feel like it would be more treacherous to not admit that my comments have all come through this filter I’ve described.

I don’t think it’s grotesque to talk about it (in the way you are now, as something you are coming to terms with).  I can see how, if one believes being trans something someone does, it would be possible to view transwomen as the Invasion of the Menz instead of The Coming Home of the Womenz. So to speak. And you know, I am not a theory trained feminist, and deep discussions of gender tend to make my eyes glaze over - and I think that lack of whatever context was actually helpful to me. When I was confronted, for the first time (shamefully) with the knowledge that there were those within feminism that absolutely hated transwomen, denied their existence, denied their humanity in many ways, (in the infamous twisty thread) - and oh, how familiar that is… Black folks have gone through this many times - in my shock I felt that I had to make an instant decision and, absent the rest of the story, what I had to draw on was my human rights, human dignity background.

And,of course, with that, it was a no brainer.

That’s one reason I love little light’s question so much, which she asked later that same day at brownfemipower’s, because it laid issues, and the choices out very clearly, and in a way that - if one answers the question - leaves no room for half measures.  Put into words what, for me, were just rather jumbled feelings and convictions.

If there is another option, I don’t see it, and I would like to eliminate my own craziness around trusting what transwomen say.

Well I’m really happy I searched it out and put it here then, where it could be accessible. As you can see, even with all that background, it took me a bit of time to reach the “duh!” stage on the “women born women” thing, so ... dunno. If you find yourself not trusting what transwomen say, might want to keep The Question handy as a reference point?

[{heh. hope this makes sense… last night was an insomnia night]

Thanks, Nanette, that totally made sense.

I did get to read LL’s post on Feministe about being a street medic.  Her writing gives me all these feelings that I really don’t ever know to explain without trying to fit them into words that just seem too small for what they need to contain.  Gah.  Anyway, yeah, Little Light.

Speaking of not having the words for it, I wasn’t around these parts when the hatethread was up at Twisty’s...I am so relieved and happy (can’t think of a better word, but that sounds too walkin’-on-sunshine for this context) that a lot of the women I have fallen for as bloggers did not let things go unremarked, did not let it just stand that “we don’t give a fuck about transwomen, matter of fact we fucking hate you.” It’s weird to find out little pieces of the history around this end of the blogosphere whilst my own experiences have been relatively sheltered so far.  Weird like, I sometimes don’t know what to do with it - I just started reading Twisty’s blog and damn but I love no-holds-barred, well-spoken, quick-minded women.  And then to read a tiny percentage of that thread at BFP’s about trans-hate on IBTP, fuuuuck.  I know this ain’t middle school where you have to pick a clique or whatever.  It’s that I find it unnerving, the viciousness that goes on, and then seems to fade back into the woodwork off and on.  Like it’s a shark attacking or something, and then the waters are calm again, and it gets a little eerie when I am told the sharks actually *are* there, this isn’t a swim-safe area.

Wow, good night for me once the metaphors or whatever that was start to kick in.

Thanks again for the encouragement in your reply.  I know it’s a cliche to be all, “I’ve seen the light!” and whatnot - and not that this subject is about ME “feeling better,” no hard feelings to myself - but I do feel like that unwarranted and nonsensical fear I talked about does not have my heart in a deathgrip anymore, because of having spit it up and out. 

This is corny, but - it makes me think of the conversations I’ve heard a little of lately where people question what blogging is actually “doing.” I would say to that - I already knew it was “doing” something when a person blogs the way bunches of people do, but also, case in point, naysayers: this post of Nanette’s gave my heart a little relief from constrictions that were on it.  I don’t know when’s the last time that kind of thing happened “out in the real world,” although I know it’s possible there too.  Just saying…

This is corny, but - it makes me think of the conversations I’ve heard a little of lately where people question what blogging is actually “doing.”

I’m one of those that doesn’t think blogging actually has to *do* anything - although it surely can and quite often does. I’m very happy you found my post helpful - or little light’s anyway, lol - because it’s always good to know when any you take action affects someone else. Positively, that is.

I love the shark metaphor, that’s perfect.

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